Does such a thing exist when you’re a mother? There is always too little in a day, to try and accomplish the ambitious list we mom’s tend to take on each morning. As we have now been home from the hospital for a week, I’m learning that it’s the little accomplishments that go a long way right now, and quite frankly make me feel like a superhero!
As I write, both boys are sound asleep, the fire is warm and crackling downstairs, I’m attempting to drink my weight in H20 and the calm that has spread throughout the house has me feeling like time has stopped. Everything is completely still. And in this moment, is where mum finds her peace. Kicks back. Unwinds. Only to recentre and get ready to do it all again in only a short while. I don’t wish for this moment to last forever, but I do soak in every minute while it is here.
Long have I waited for these days at home, attempting to handle two littles (so far, we are killing it!) as well as nurture myself. The four weeks we spent in the hospital now feel like a blur, and looking back I don’t know how we got through each day. The comfort and warmth of being home all together, nothing can beat it. It feels like this is how life was all along, and for those four weeks time stood still, and we were just caught in a bad dream.
But as it turns out of course, it wasn’t a dream. It was all very, very real.
Our time in the NICU has taught me so much and put our wonderful life in total perspective for me.
The first few hours in the hospital were so foreign, I didn’t even feel like me, walking around the halls like a robot just trying to take it all in. That this is where we would be spending our days, for a long while. Seperated from Jackson, so incredibly far away from home and the rest of our family, and my tiny baby boy tucked away in a nursery down the hall, this was now my life.
This just isn’t how it was supposed to happen!
I couldn’t help but feel like this was all my fault. How could my body have done this to my baby and brought him into the world far too early? And leaving my other son behind, with no explanation as to why his mom was all of a sudden GONE!
These were my thoughts abruptly after delivery. But a couple days in, the shock of the whole thing began to subside and I now started to accept that was by no means my fault and as always, happened for a reason.
Despite the fact that Silas was born 8 weeks early (he is now 37 weeks gestation!), we completely lucked out that that kid came out fighting and ready to grow with little to no complications. His lungs, though immature, allowed him to breathe well and his above average birth weight helped him eat eat eat and spur on the weight gain! It still amazes me how resilient those little guys are, watching him now continue to thrive at home like a happy, healthy full term newborn. By the end of our stay I felt like a nurse! Accustomed to all the medical terms, checking vitals and watching the monitors as part of our daily routine. It was a whole other world in there.
The amazing families we met during our stay will always inspire me and remind us that so many others have been in that terrifying place, all with a different story, but all working towards the same outcome. To finally bring their babies home. The mother’s I got to connect with made me feel always supported and never alone. We were all in this together and it wasn’t a race or competition of who’s circumstances were harder. We just rooted each other on, day by day. Never feeling sorry for one another, but empowering and lifting each other up!
Having birthed a full term baby before and labouring naturally with the support of a wonderful birth team, left me completely ignorant that this birth would be any different. But the crazy thing is, babies are born prematurely ALL THE TIME.
You just never think it’s going to happen to you.
And now here we are! A part if the elite group of families who lived in the NICU! Some for weeks, some for months. We are fighters. We are survivors. For it is no easy feat. But now that we are home, all the things I worried about transitioning into a family of four, seem so distant, as nothing will ever be as hard as what we just went through. And what so many others are still going through!
To all the families with little ones in the NICU, you got this. You are in the safest place for your tiny babe to catch up on growing, and be the healthiest they can be in preparation for you to finally bring them home. The amount of trust you have to surrender to the team working to nurture your baby is huge, and terrifying. But these people become apart of your hospital family, and they are there to support you through this incredibly tough journey. So surrender! And just take it day by day.
To all the loving people in our lives back home, who did nothing but support us each and every step of the way, thank you. This has all taught me that it is ok to accept help. Just do it. And the amount of helping hands that were extended to us will have me forever grateful and truly touched.
So now I get to be home, with my two boys, embracing the chaos that is having two under 2. And I just couldn’t be happier that I get to hold both of my healthy children in my arms everyday. Even if I haven’t showered in awhile, and the laundry piles are heaping, it’s the little accomplishments that I’m focusing on.
This life we have, is pretty darn amazing ❤
More to come about life at home with two boys!